I was alone in the bath…

Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder! Get it?

In a previous post I mentioned that I was currently going through fertility treatments in hopes that one day – we will have an adorable mini-me or mini-him that we can love, take to Disney and call our own.

I went through so many blood tests – I am surprised I still have blood left in me to give. The doctor’s tested for everything; hematology, thyroid function, pituitary function – nothing came back glaringly off – my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) levels were where they needed to be, no issues with my LH (Luteinizing Hormone).

We decided the next course of action would be TIC (Timed intercourse) along with Prometrium which is a progesterone hormone. It will help prepare the lining of the uterus to protect and nourish a growing baby during pregnancy. I was to take 2 pills a day.

However – this post isn’t about our first attempt – this is about one of the horrible side effects of Prometrium. Depression. The depression impact is hard. It causes anxiety, restlessness and at times thoughts of despair. Being new to asking for help when I was originally prescribed I didn’t ask many questions; if at all. My job was simple. Take the pills. Hope for the best. I was not prepared for the flooding of emotions and feelings that would come along for the ride. By the time I gained enough courage to reach out and ask for help, and perhaps answer my questions – my period came – I was to stop immediately. Spoiler alert – attempt 1 was not successful.

We are now attempt 2 – and I am being proactive – I am acknowledging what my body and my mind is going through and I am finding and asking for ways to help myself.

I found reading, getting out for a daily walk with my pooch, talking with the babe, and getting on a sleep schedule helps but what I found works the best – a bath. I know, I know what you’re thinking. Finally the blog title makes sense.

I did a little research for things I can do to help with what I was going through – and it kept bringing me to baths.

In a German study, participants with depression reported a boost in mood after soaking in a 40C bath for 30 minutes. In fact, in this experiment, regular baths proved to be more effective in aiding depression than aerobic exercise.

A Japanese study also looked into the mental health benefits of bathing, this time, in comparison to showering. They found that bathing resulted in less stress, tension – anxiety, anger-hostility, and depression, in the people who took part.

It’s believed that hot baths are particularly transformative because they warm us up. Increased body temperature at night helps synchronize our natural circadian rhythms, leading to better sleep patterns, along with improved quality of sleep and overall wellbeing.

You can read more about the above here

I started taking baths – I would fill up the tub, turn on netflix, and just chill… I found myself bored after the first 7 minutes, and often found myself more irritated than I was before the bath.

I started to change the way I took a bath. No technology. I would read instead. The bathroom light was off and instead surrounded myself with candles. I had water nearby for when I started to feel a little too warm. I began to finally relax. Enjoy the time in the tub.

I then started kicking it up a notch. Epson Salts, Essential Oils, Flowers, Milk, Honey. Here are some of the my favorites that hopefully will work for you:

Lavender – this floral scent is often known for its calming effects. Research also suggests that lavender may also help relieve anxiety, reduce stress, and promote relaxation

Milk Bath – milk baths are super easy – just choose your type of milk and pour into your warm bath water and begin to relax. Usually I add 1 to 2 cups at a time.

Honey – honey has skin-smoothing benefits thanks to its amino acids and antioxidants. I recommend mixing in about 1 cup of honey with some hot water, then pour into your bath tub. This can also be combined with the milk bath.

Lemon/Citrus  Squeeze and drop 5-6 lemons into your warm bath water. Slicing and placing them to float above the water will make a beautiful photo for the ‘gram but it won’t provide any benefits! It’s the juice of the lemons that will help refresh your tired skin.

Have another DIY bath tip or know any other surprising things to add to your bath – let me know below!

Infertility – When you want to slap the shit out of the person who says, “Oh it will happen, JUST RELAX”….

The girl on the left is confident, has found the love of her life, has an amazing pooch and is happy. She is a successful woman in an industry she loves. She has travelled and been able to partake in so many amazing events that it’s hard to keep track of. She has amazing friends, lives life to the fullest and you cannot tempt her with a good time.

She is loved. She is successful. She is happy.

The girl on the right is falling apart. She is continuously wondering what she has done wrong. She is wondering why she feels like a failure. She is a woman that wants nothing to be a mom, provide her loving husband a child. She feels alone. Every month of disappointment bring anxiety and depression that can last days or weeks. It comes at random minutes of the day but can feel like an eternity.

She is still loved. She is still successful. She is happy at times but know that it’s hard to be “on” all the time, it’s hard to be hopeful. It’s just hard.

In the past month I have been asked by my co-workers, spa aesthetician, grocery clerk, a server at a restaurant, and a random person at a convenience store if I have kids.

Please. Just stop asking.

You don’t know what my situation is, or anyone’s situation is for that matter. You don’t know that we went through a miscarriage, you don’t know that we have been trying ever since. You don’t know that I sat in my car and cried after that simple question.

Just please think about that the next time – you may think it’s harmless but it can in actuality cause more harm than you’ll ever know.

I know this has been a mouthful but it’s been a hard day, and this well it’s made me feel better. So I am ok with that.

I wrote the above, and posted to my Instagram back in August – I was at an all time low – didn’t know who to confide in – so I wrote to the world. Immediately comments and DM’s start flooding in, so quickly I actually had to turn my phone off because it all become to overwhelming too quickly.

After a day or so – I started to read through the messages, the support from everyone – including strangers I have never met was like a huge hug that just kept getting warmer and warmer as the messages went on. There are so many people out there coping, realizing and trying to navigate their way through their own fertility issues.

I could tell you that my husband and I have tried everything in the book up into that point when I posted my breakdown – but that would have been a lie. Before this day – I was too ashamed to go and get professional help. I was stubborn – I could do it if I tried harder. I don’t want to see a doctor – they are going to tell me I’m too old and there’s no point – I missed my chance to be a mom. All of these things I would blurt and blubber when the husband suggested maybe it’s time we get some help.

Then finally – that day in August; after 100’s of messages and stories – something inside me popped. Like a balloon in a big room. The pop was loud, and echoed through me. I need to ask for help. We couldn’t do this alone. There are reasons why there are doctor’s who specialize in this field, modern medicine have come leaps and bounds, and the support that is out there make this whole process no longer taboo like it was years ago.

The next day – we made the call and started the process with Omega Fertility… it wouldn’t start the next day or even the next week – of course we are in the middle of a pandemic!

I will continue posting my journey here as I navigate my way through fertility forums (TTC, BFN and FTTA ?!??!?!?!), testing, and of course the dreaded 2WW…..