The girl on the left is confident, has found the love of her life, has an amazing pooch and is happy. She is a successful woman in an industry she loves. She has travelled and been able to partake in so many amazing events that it’s hard to keep track of. She has amazing friends, lives life to the fullest and you cannot tempt her with a good time.
She is loved. She is successful. She is happy.
The girl on the right is falling apart. She is continuously wondering what she has done wrong. She is wondering why she feels like a failure. She is a woman that wants nothing to be a mom, provide her loving husband a child. She feels alone. Every month of disappointment bring anxiety and depression that can last days or weeks. It comes at random minutes of the day but can feel like an eternity.
She is still loved. She is still successful. She is happy at times but know that it’s hard to be “on” all the time, it’s hard to be hopeful. It’s just hard.
In the past month I have been asked by my co-workers, spa aesthetician, grocery clerk, a server at a restaurant, and a random person at a convenience store if I have kids.
Please. Just stop asking.
You don’t know what my situation is, or anyone’s situation is for that matter. You don’t know that we went through a miscarriage, you don’t know that we have been trying ever since. You don’t know that I sat in my car and cried after that simple question.
Just please think about that the next time – you may think it’s harmless but it can in actuality cause more harm than you’ll ever know.
I know this has been a mouthful but it’s been a hard day, and this well it’s made me feel better. So I am ok with that.
I wrote the above, and posted to my Instagram back in August – I was at an all time low – didn’t know who to confide in – so I wrote to the world. Immediately comments and DM’s start flooding in, so quickly I actually had to turn my phone off because it all become to overwhelming too quickly.
After a day or so – I started to read through the messages, the support from everyone – including strangers I have never met was like a huge hug that just kept getting warmer and warmer as the messages went on. There are so many people out there coping, realizing and trying to navigate their way through their own fertility issues.
I could tell you that my husband and I have tried everything in the book up into that point when I posted my breakdown – but that would have been a lie. Before this day – I was too ashamed to go and get professional help. I was stubborn – I could do it if I tried harder. I don’t want to see a doctor – they are going to tell me I’m too old and there’s no point – I missed my chance to be a mom. All of these things I would blurt and blubber when the husband suggested maybe it’s time we get some help.
Then finally – that day in August; after 100’s of messages and stories – something inside me popped. Like a balloon in a big room. The pop was loud, and echoed through me. I need to ask for help. We couldn’t do this alone. There are reasons why there are doctor’s who specialize in this field, modern medicine have come leaps and bounds, and the support that is out there make this whole process no longer taboo like it was years ago.
The next day – we made the call and started the process with Omega Fertility… it wouldn’t start the next day or even the next week – of course we are in the middle of a pandemic!
I will continue posting my journey here as I navigate my way through fertility forums (TTC, BFN and FTTA ?!??!?!?!), testing, and of course the dreaded 2WW…..